


Afterwards

by Cherry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Confessions, Eruri Week, Eruri Week 2015, Erwin-sexual!Levi, First Time, M/M, Old Men, Sexual Inexperience, angsty fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:29:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry/pseuds/Cherry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Afterwards, Erwin still doesn't know what he wants to do. Levi can't wait forever for him to make up his mind. </p><p>Tea shops, reunions, first time sex (of a kind), confessions. </p><p>Slightly angsty fluff for Eruri Week. Prompt: Confessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> I started this for the last Eruri week prompt of "Eruri Insiders", and I was covering Levi's idea of opening a tea shop, Erwin's desire to start a family, and the notion that Levi has never had sex (I'm still not sure if the information that he's never been in a relationship was something Isayama really said or if it was a troll - I think the latter - but I can well believe it of Levi anyway). As usual this story wasn't finished on time, but it also fits this Eruri week's theme of "Confessions".

In the years after the titans, humanity had dispersed itself more widely and more rapidly than the most optimistic projections had suggested. Levi was one of the few who hadn’t been surprised. As he’d pointed out to Erwin at their last meeting, how many prisoners want to stay with their cellmates after their release? Erwin had smiled, and asked, after a pause, “So – where will you go?”

“I’m not sure yet. Out. _Away._ That’s all I know.”

“You used to joke about opening a tea shop.”

“Yeah, well – people will always want tea.”

Erwin had nodded, and another silence had settled. Levi had looked out of the window. “What about you? You once told me that you couldn’t think about the future until your dream of freeing humanity from the titans had been achieved, but I used to see the way you looked at parents and children on the streets. Is that your dream now? To become a father?”

“Hm. I wonder? I never thought there would be time, but –”

“Give Nile a run for his money?”

“I suppose anything’s possible...”

“How many does Nile have now?”

“Four. And another on the way.”

“Doubt your brats will be as cute as Nile’s.”

“I doubt it, too. Marie has a sister, but I think she’s already married. Anyway, I’m probably too old to start all that.”

Levi had looked at him a touch cynically. “Tch. You’re not too old. If it’s what you want…”

“I –”

“What?”

“I’m not sure what I want.”

Levi had pushed his teacup away and risen to his feet. “No. Well, you have plenty of time to work that out now.”

“Will you send me your address – when you settle somewhere?”

“If you want. _If_ I settle somewhere.”

“I’m not planning on leaving – for a while at least. There are things that need finishing off. A letter to the old Trost headquarters should find me.”

“Understood.”

Erwin had walked to the door behind Levi.

“Thank you, Levi. For all you did.”

Levi had hesitated before holding out his left hand for Erwin to shake. “Goodbye, Erwin.”

Erwin’s grasp was firm – warm.

“Goodbye, Levi.”

*

On the terrace the long light of the setting sun still warmed the white stone. Levi poured himself a cup of the new, smoky tea that was being grown somewhere far to the east, where, it seemed, conditions were more favourable than anywhere inside the walls had been. He liked this time of day best; his customers had gone home, the washing and sweeping up had been done, and he could sit quietly to watch the sun setting over the ocean.

Five years spent wandering had given him some idea of the spectacular variety of scenery to be found in the world, but as soon as he’d come to the edge of the cliff above the little fishing village in this warm, southerly spot, he’d known that his travels were over. What had surprised him was how many people had bothered to track him down over the three and half years since he’d settled in this place. Armin had been his first visitor, bringing news of Mikasa’s marriage to Jean Kirstein and the birth of their child – a boy, named, of course, Eren.

“They tried to send you an invitation to the wedding, but no one knew where you were.”

“Ah. No. I was moving around a lot, then.”

“I’m still travelling. I want to see everything in my grandfather’s book. I found the sand dunes, and the rivers of ice. A hundred different places with views of the ocean. Now I want to find a volcano.”

Levi looked out over the sea. “Six leagues east of here, there’s a circular island in a bay surrounded by cliffs. It’s a barren place – smoking rocks, and a smell of sulphur. That’s why you’re here?”

“Yes, that’s it!” Armin’s excitement reminded Levi of the boy he had been during the war, despite the fact that he was now about Erwin’s height. There was a look of Eld Jinn about him, too, that gave Levi a momentary pang.

“Have you seen it?” Armin asked, and it took a second for Levi to realise that he was still talking about the volcano.

“Oh – yes. I rowed out there once. The ground is hot – steams like a dying titan. Stinks like one, too. But I didn’t see any rivers of fire.”

“It’s a start, though. If smoking rocks exist, then why not rivers of fire?”

“Why not? Anything’s –” Levi hesitated, remembering his last conversation with Erwin – “almost anything’s possible,” he finished. “Have you been back to the walls?”

“No – not yet. I don’t know if I ever will. The land inside the walls used to be the whole world to us, and now…”

“Yeah. Seems a long way away. What do you think of the tea?”

 

After Armin’s visit, others had come. Little Connie Springer, who Levi was secretly rather pleased to see hadn’t grown much taller in the years since their last meeting, told him about his farm on a hillside west of the walls. Perhaps it was Connie’s missing arm that made Levi begin a letter that evening – but in the end he decided not to send it, folding it neatly instead, and pushing it to the back of the desk drawer with the others.

 

Hange and Moblit arrived together in the summer of the second year, and stayed for almost a month in the village in the bay, climbing the cliff path nearly every day to drink tea and talk to Levi.

“The problem is settling on a field of study,” Hange explained, almost knocking over her teacup in the process. “I started off with botany, but we encountered so many strange animals… It reminded me of my titan studies, and so I concentrated on fauna for a while. But then I realised that plants _and_ animals all show subtle changes depending on where you find them. Moblit’s drawings have been invaluable in making comparisons. I think living organisms adapt to their environment somehow. It’s extraordinary. I don’t understand the mechanism yet, but I’m determined to find out! We’re making a start on a volcanic island near here, in the next few weeks. Armin wrote to me about it. There could be animals there that no one has recorded yet!”

“I saw some lizards when I was there,” Levi said, glancing at Moblit who was staring into his teacup rather despondently. “Would you like something stronger than tea?”

Moblit looked up at him gratefully. “What do you have?”

Levi found Moblit some whiskey, and the three of them drank into the night. In the morning Levi started another letter: _Never thought Moblit would stick around after, but she hasn’t worried him to death yet…_

Later, he added it to the growing collection.

When Hanji and Moblit had moved on, Levi tried again, taking pen and paper out onto the terrace one still, warm morning before the shop was open.

_Erwin. How are you? Still in Trost, or did you leave the walls eventually? Did you ever marry – have those brats you wanted? I opened a tea house, overlooking the ocean. I like the quiet but_

_I miss you._

_Did you ever wonder why I never dreamed of starting a family, like you did?_

_Did you never suspect?_

_~~Erwin~~ _

_Erwin_

Levi sighed, tore the letter into small pieces and imagined himself throwing them off the terrace into the sea. He didn’t, of course – he couldn’t bear litter, and anyway, even with all his strength, the fragments would only flutter out over the cliffs and catch on the shrubs and grasses on the way down. Making a mess for the sake of a melodramatic gesture had never been Levi’s style. He put the torn pieces in his pocket to dispose of in the stove later, and took a fresh piece of paper, on which he wrote his name and address and the line, _you’re welcome here, if you’re ever passing this way._ Before he had time to change his mind, he put the note into an envelope, addressed it to _Erwin Smith, c/o Trost Survey Corps HQ_ , and walked down into the village to catch the morning post.

 

Although the new postal systems were gradually becoming more efficient, Levi wasn’t really expecting a reply to his note. Erwin could have moved anywhere after he’d concluded Survey Corps business in Trost. He could have married quickly - could have fathered half a dozen brats already. None of Levi’s visitors had ever been able to give him any definite news of Erwin, and he’d been wary of asking too much. Hange had told him that she’d visited Erwin in Trost a year after the start of the peace, and at that time he’d still been working for the Survey Corps. Armin hadn’t mentioned whether or not Erwin had been at Jean and Mikasa’s wedding, and Levi had felt unable to raise the subject. For all he knew, Erwin could have –

But surely he would have heard about that? Someone in the village would have mentioned the death of such a famous war hero.

For a man who had always attempted to forget the past and look to the future, Levi found himself increasingly pushing away regret. Why hadn’t he said something on that last day? Why had he offered Erwin his hand so coolly, instead of risking a more affectionate gesture?

 _Because I could bear to live with not knowing,_ Levi thought, drinking his habitual cup of tea on the terrace at the end of another day – _but I couldn’t bear to see him disgusted by me. Or disappointed. Or kind, but pitying…_

_Huh – seems I’m a coward after all._

Days passed, became weeks, and Levi heard nothing from Erwin. He told himself that it wasn’t surprising – after nearly nine years of silence, why should Erwin respond quickly, or at all, just because he’d finally plucked up the courage to make contact?

Levi was generally happy in his new life – or, at least, happier than he’d ever expected to be. His regular customers from the village were gradually becoming friends – a phenomenon that had always rather taken him by surprise after a virtually friendless childhood. Affection directed his way always puzzled him; he knew himself to be awkwardly shy, tactless and taciturn, and yet there seemed to be people who accepted him with all those faults. He enjoyed company more than he would ever have expected to, providing he could retreat into his own home at the end of the day. He had long ago decided that his sexual desires, such as they were, were best pushed aside or dealt with on his own; he’d only ever felt love of that kind once, for someone he was sure would never be able to reciprocate…

 _But I would like to see him again_ , Levi thought, sweeping the terrace clean in the golden light of another glorious sunset. _I’d like to see him settled, with a whole bunch of little blond brats. If anyone deserves to make his dream real it’s –_

Levi looked up at the sound of hoof beats on the path leading up from the village. Two riders were approaching, one tall, one smaller, silhouetted against the liquid gold of the sky.

“I’m sorry, I’m closed,” Levi called as they reached the terrace and dismounted. “You can stop to water the horses, and drink if you need – _Erwin_?”

“Hello Levi. I should’ve expected to find you with a broom in your hand!”

“Erwin.”

The smaller figure approached a little diffidently. Once he put back the hood of his travelling cloak, Levi realised that his other visitor was a boy – a blond boy, clearly tall for his age, good looking, as, of course, Erwin’s son would be, for all Levi’s joking about his kids not being as cute as Nile’s.

“Hello,” the boy said, holding out his hand. “I’m Mike.”

Although he’d just been wishing for the fulfilment of Erwin’s dream, Levi had to force a smile.

“It’s a good name,” he said, shaking the boy’s hand, registering with a little shock that Mike was almost exactly his own height.

Erwin smiled. “So, you opened your teahouse after all?”

“Yeah.”

“And look at that view!”

“It’s why I built here. I’ll – the stables are at the back of the shop. I’ll fetch water for the horses. I’ll make tea.”

“Thank you, Levi.”

The necessary business gave Levi time to collect his thoughts and allow his heartbeat to return to something like normal. Although the sun had almost slipped below the shimmering horizon, the night was very warm, fragrant with the scent of wild thyme from the hillside and filled with the soft chirping of crickets.

Levi lit lamps, and set a table on the terrace. He served one of his finest teas – a new blend with a subtle spiced flavour. Mike had wandered over to the edge of the terrace to watch the last gold and orange bands of the sunset fading from the sky, while the tea brewed.

“How old is he?” Levi asked Erwin.

“He’s eight.”

“Ah.” So Erwin hadn’t wasted any time. Hange hadn’t mentioned it, but presumably Erwin had already been married to Mike’s mother when she’d met Erwin in Trost.

“He’s a good kid. I promised his mother I’d show him something of the world, so when I got your letter, I thought –”

“Yeah. Good idea.”

Erwin was looking at Levi intently, which only made him more determined to show nothing of the turbulent feelings that assailed him. Erwin had his family – that was a _good_ thing – there was no excuse for this selfish heaviness that seemed to have settled in Levi’s chest. He could hardly raise his eyes to Erwin’s, although he longed to study that familiar face - to take in the differences nine years had made, and to rediscover all that was unchanged.

“You look just the same, Levi.”

“Tch. Liar.” Levi looked up then, almost smiling, registering the slight greying at Erwin’s temples, the deeper lines at the corners of his eyes, the fact that he was still the handsome bastard he always had been. “We both look nine years older. So what?” He gave a small, resigned shrug, and poured the tea. With as casual a tone as he could manage he asked, “What’s she like?”

“Who? Oh – Mike’s mother? Nice. A good woman.”

“ _Nice_? Isn’t that a bit –” Levi stopped talking as Mike walked over to the table and took a seat. Pouring tea, Levi took the chance to look at the boy’s face, but could see little of Erwin in him beyond the colour of his hair.

“I like it here,” Mike said. “The air smells of something – the sea, and something else – like lemon, and earth, and something woody –”

“It’s the thyme,” Levi said. “It grows wild all over the hills here.”

“Thyme,” Mike repeated, pleased. He picked up the delicate blue-green teacup and held it between hands that were already bigger than Levi’s. It was only when he bent his head to sniff the tea carefully, his blond hair flopping into his rather narrow eyes, that Levi suddenly understood why there was nothing of Erwin in his face.

“He’s Mike’s son!”

Erwin raised his eyebrows. “Of course. Didn’t you get my letter?”

“No, I didn’t get a letter. So – he’s not –” Levi closed his mouth, too late.

“Mine?” Erwin asked, clearly amused. “No. Although I would be very proud, if that were the case.”

Mike looked up, then down again quickly, but not before Levi noticed the pink flush that suffused his cheeks at Erwin’s words.

Levi hid his relief from Erwin by turning his attention to Mike. “So, kid, can you tell what’s in the tea?”

Mike sniffed the tea again, clearly glad of the change of subject. “It smells good. Black tea, sugar, cloves, pepper… other spices I don’t know.”

“The others are cardamon and cinnamon from hundreds of miles east. You’ve got your dad’s nose, brat.”

“You knew my father, didn’t you?” Mike’s greenish eyes were very bright in the lamplight as he gazed at Levi across the table.

“Yeah. Not as well as Erwin, but yeah. He was a good man. A great soldier. Although the first time I met him, he shoved me face down into an open sewer –”

“Which was my fault,” Erwin added quickly, before Mike could protest. “My orders.”

“What happened?” Mike asked.

Levi let Erwin do most of the talking. He wanted to ask questions about Mike’s mother, Erwin’s situation, the contents of the letter he hadn’t received – but those things would have to wait until the kid was asleep. In the meantime he contented himself with watching Erwin. Despite the inevitable physical effects of time, in some ways Erwin actually seemed younger, Levi thought. His old, guarded look was gone. He smiled easily as he shared his memories of Mike Zacharias, bringing him to life for the son who, Levi realised, wasn’t old enough to have met his father.

The more they talked the more stories Erwin recalled, and it was only when Mike gave a huge yawn that any of them noticed how late it was.

“In the letter, I asked if we would be able to stay,” Erwin began. “But of course you’re not prepared, so –”

“There’s room. There’s a small spare room Mike can have - if you don’t mind sharing with me.”

“Not at all. The number of times we both fell asleep in chairs in the office…”

“Yeah. Bet you still snore like a pig.”

“Probably.”

“Huh.” When Levi met Erwin’s gaze he found it hard to look away. Erwin cleared his throat.

Levi got to his feet abruptly and started to clear the table, stacking the teacups and spoons neatly on the tray before heading back towards the house. “Hey kid!” he called to Mike, his voice gruffer than he’d intended: “Your room’s this way.”

Mike jumped up, standing almost to attention. “Thank you, Sir!”

Levi shook his head. “Not Sir. I’m not military any more. Call me Levi.”

“Levi. Thanks.”

Erwin followed Levi and Mike into the house, carrying the teapot.

Once he’d shown Mike to his room, Levi returned to the little kitchen at the back of the house, where he found Erwin attempting to wash crockery one-handed. Levi fetched a clean tea towel and started to dry.

“He’s very like Mike,” Levi observed.

“Yes. He reminds me of him more as he gets older. Funny how he has a lot of the same mannerisms, even though Mike died before he was born.”

“Hm. I didn’t know Mike had a – anyone.”

“Nor did I, until I found his will. After everything that happened, the Corps’ records were a complete mess. I spend three months sorting out all the paperwork. Mike left everything he had to a woman in Trost. I had a name and address, but she’d moved after the war, and it took a while to find her. When I tracked her down she was living with a friend in Ehrmich District, and her child was about to be born. Mike hadn’t known she was pregnant. She didn’t know it herself, until after Mike’s death.”

“I see.”

“I first saw Mike – _this_ Mike - when he was two days old. I try to visit as often as I can.”

Levi had to make himself ask, “And - what about you? The family you wanted…”

Erwin shook his head. “That… didn’t happen. There was so much to do. There wasn’t anyone I – Anyway, it didn’t happen. I’m not sorry. Seeing Mike growing up has been enough.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I never expected to survive at all. Everything since the war ended –”

“More than we thought we’d have.”

“Yes.” Erwin finished washing up, and stood straight, rolling his shoulders.

“Huh. My sink’s too low for you,” Levi commented.

“A bit.”

“You’ll have to watch your head on the roof beams upstairs. When we -”

“- I’ll be careful -”

“- Mind you don’t knock yourself out –”

They looked at each other.

“Nine _years_ , Levi!” Erwin said at last, an edge of anger in his tone. “Didn’t you ever –”

“I _did_ write!” Levi defended himself without thinking. “I mean –”

“I never got a letter.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because I never sent them. I thought…”

“What?”

“Nothing. Something - about that family you talked about starting. I assumed you’d moved on to a new life – a different kind of life.”

“Even if I had – weren’t we friends?”

Levi didn’t answer.

“Was I wrong about that?” Erwin pushed. “Levi?”

“No. We were – friends.”

“So why –”

“I thought it would be less complicated. I travelled around for a long time, on my own. There wasn’t a way of sending letters. By the time I settled here, it seemed – too late.”

“I see.”

Levi recognized the way Erwin pressed his lips together – a familiar sign of displeasure, painful to witness knowing he was its cause. He wanted to say something to change that cold expression, but to tell Erwin what he really felt seemed impossible.

“I – did miss you,” was the best he could manage. _Every day. I thought about you every day._ But Humanity’s Strongest lacked the courage to speak those words aloud.

Erwin’s expression softened nonetheless. “Did you? I’m glad of that. I missed you like –”

“Like?”

“I missed you.”

Before the silence that fell between them could become any more awkward, Levi turned away. “Room’s this way.”

“Right. Good. Thank you.”

 

Levi insisted that Erwin take the single bed after his long journey. Erwin made a token protest, but when he saw that Levi was determined, he accepted the offer gratefully. “Not as young as I was,” he admitted, as Levi opened a chest to extract an old camp blanket that Erwin recognized as army issue, and made up a bed for himself on the floor with his habitual quick precision. “Riding takes its toll these days.”

“You still train?” Levi asked.

“When I can. How about you?”

“I ride. I learned to swim. Nowhere around here to use the gear though – and no regular gas supply anyway. I miss flying, sometimes.”

“You always did belong in the air,” Erwin said, smiling. “No one else ever came close.”

“Mikasa did. If we’d needed to keep fighting, she would have surpassed me, in time.”

Erwin caught Levi’s gaze and held it. “You still won’t let me get away with anything, Levi? Even a compliment?”

“Tch. Was I so hard on you?”

“You were… uncompromising. Honest to a fault. Sometimes your honesty was bruising. But it was necessary.”

“Yeah, well, avoiding the truth never achieved anything,” Levi said, and instantly knew himself for a hypocrite. He looked away. “We should get some sleep.” He waited until Erwin was in bed before leaning across to blow out the candle he’d placed on the floor between them.

“Don’t you have lamps?” Erwin asked, sounding very close in the darkness.

“What?”

“I remember – you once said that lamps were cleaner than candles.”

“Did I?” Although he knew that it meant nothing, Levi was moved by the thought of Erwin holding on to such a trivial memory of him. “Ah. That’s not true here, though. The local oil comes from the sea, and supplies from elsewhere are irregular. I can’t stand the smell of fish oil in the house – it interferes with the flavour of the teas for one thing.”

“Mike would hate that, too,” Erwin replied. “I think his sense of smell is even more acute than Mike’s – our Mike’s– was.”

“It’s good that Mike had a son.”

“Yes. One really good thing…”

Levi’s heart contracted at the note of regret in Erwin’s voice. “… I’m sorry – that it didn’t happen. Those brats you wanted…” Although he’d been relieved to discover that Mike wasn’t Erwin’s son, Levi found that he was genuine in his wish that Erwin’s dream had been realized.

“I’m not,” Erwin said. “Not any more. Mike is like a son to me now. And anyway, even if… I met a lot of women, but something…”

“You never stopped loving Marie?” Levi suggested, as gently as he could. He was surprised when Erwin laughed abruptly, something strained in the sound. “No – no, that’s not it.”

Levi waited for him to elaborate, but he said nothing further. The silence between them grew – became a stifling weight. Levi felt his chest tighten. Erwin was the risk-taker – the one who would gamble even humanity’s survival on a hunch and a fragment of scant evidence. Levi had never known – never been certain of the right course to follow unless he was in the middle of a battle - never dared –

Although the room was completely dark, Levi closed his eyes, every part of his body tensed, his breath caught in his chest. He thought of all the unfinished letters at the back of the desk drawer downstairs – the nine years that could never be recovered – the knowledge of the raw pain and the inevitability of loss that he had first learned as a small child, and that he had tried to use ever since as an excuse not to risk his heart.

_Avoiding the truth never achieved anything._

Levi got out of his makeshift bed. His hands shook so hard he had difficulty striking the match as he knelt to relight the candle. Erwin sat up at the hiss of the match igniting.

“Levi?”

“I love you.” Levi stared at Erwin, his eyes wide as if incredulous of his own words, his expression as close as Erwin had ever seen it to panic. “I wasn’t going to tell you – I wasn’t ever going to tell you – but if I don’t say it now another nine years might – and then – I couldn’t –” He drew in a shuddering breath. “Shit. _Shit_. I shouldn’t –”

“Yes.” Erwin was out of bed and on his knees in front of Levi, reaching out, pulling him close. “Yes, Levi.” His hand was warm on the back of Levi’s head. Levi couldn’t move even to embrace Erwin. He rested where he was, his face pressed into Erwin’s shoulder, his arms loose at his sides, letting Erwin hold him.

 

When they finally got to their feet, Erwin’s knees cracked alarmingly. Levi gave a soft huff of laughter. “We really are getting old.”

“I’m afraid you’re right.”

Erwin got into bed, and Levi went with him. There was just enough room on the narrow mattress for them to lie next to each other.

“Better if you change to the other side,” Erwin said. “Where I lost the arm, it’s still sometimes sore.”

“Right.” Levi climbed carefully across Erwin, both of them shy of touching, suddenly very aware of the thinness of the linen nightshirts they wore. They lay side by side, staring up at the shifting shadows on the ceiling in the flickering candlelight. Their hands met and clasped.

“I never thought –” Levi started.

“No. No, neither did I. There were women, and some were interested, but… I missed you like I missed my arm when I lost it… only –”

“Hm?”

“I never got used to your absence. I got accustomed to using my left hand, but even after nine years I still found myself turning to ask you something, and…”

“I should’ve stayed.”

“I don’t know if that’s true. You were right, Levi, – I had assumed that my future involved a woman – children.”

“Ah. I always knew mine didn’t.”

“Always?”

“Yeah. I never… For a long time I thought I didn’t really have… I suppose I thought there was just something missing in me. I saw what it did to people - sex… that kind of love. I thought it was crazy. I mean, really – it seemed a literal sort of insanity. And the risk of disease… I thought I was better off without…”

“So what changed your mind?”

“You.”

Erwin’s smile was touched with sadness. “I wish I’d known.”

“I don’t. We were fighting a war. It would have been – impractical.”

“Unprofessional.”

“Hm.”

They fell silent, remembering how close they had been to defeat; times when they’d secretly believed they would never see each other again.

Levi moved closer to Erwin. Erwin released Levi’s hand and put his arm around him. Levi rested his head against Erwin’s shoulder.

“I don’t mind,” Levi said, “if you don’t want… It doesn’t have to be about that.”

Erwin raised his hand to touch Levi’s hair. “But it _is_ about that, isn’t it? Or you wouldn’t have stayed away. And I would have found a woman.”

Levi struggled for words. For most of his life there had never been time for anything much beyond surviving – fighting -

“But, if you’re not – if you don’t feel - _attracted_ –”

“From the first time I saw you fly,” Erwin said. “I told myself that what I was feeling was just excitement because fate had handed me a miracle - the perfect weapon to combat the titans. I kept on telling myself that. But it was never the whole truth, even at the start.” Somewhat awkwardly, because his missing arm gave him no leverage, he turned onto his side to look at Levi. Levi didn’t meet his gaze. He touched Erwin’s shoulder instead, then ran his hand down what little remained of his right arm, and the empty sleeve of his nightshirt. “Always hated how you just let the sleeves flap about like that,” he murmured. “You should let me shorten them for you.”

“I thought – better than an ugly stump.”

Levi unfastened the buttons of Erwin’s nightshirt and pushed it back off his shoulders. The scarring on the stump had silvered over time. Levi kissed the scars.

“It’s not so bad.”

“Levi…”

“Yeah.” Levi looked into Erwin’s eyes – saw some anxiety there, and, overwhelmingly, love. Their first kiss was quick - soft and tentative – strange, after years of knowing each other so well in so many other ways, to finally come together like this. Then they were reaching for each other, suddenly desperate, desire consuming shyness and hesitation. They met in frantic kisses, Levi’s hands framing Erwin’s face to draw him even closer, Erwin’s hand in Levi’s hair, both of them dizzy with the unexpected fulfilment of years of longing. Erwin’s attempts to undo Levi’s shirt buttons one handed frustrated them both, so Levi did it himself, disengaging for a moment to sit up and struggle out of the shirt altogether before finding Erwin’s mouth with his own again. Erwin’s shirt was already half off. Levi helped him out of it and ran his hands over the still-firm muscles of Erwin’s chest and abdomen. “Erwin…”

Erwin pulled Levi down on top of him for another kiss; slower, this time; deeper. His fingers traced the contours of Levi’s back, moved down to the base of his spine – stopped there. “I did sometimes used to wonder what it would be like to have sex with you,” he said, his mouth against Levi’s. “But I’ve never been with a man, and I could only imagine… You’ll have to show me.”

Levi shook his head once, pulling back a little. “I don’t know. There’s never been anyone else.”

Erwin stared up at him, shocked. “You mean – _never_?”

Levi avoided his eyes, frowning. “Yeah, well, you always knew I wasn’t - normal.”

“Levi.”

Levi made himself meet Erwin’s gaze. “Hm?”

“You’re right. You aren’t normal. You’re extraordinary. You always were. And this… We’ll work it out.” Erwin kissed Levi again softly. “It can’t be that different. We want each other -”

“Yes!”

“So we’ll work it out.”

Levi sat up and moved backwards, straddling Erwin’s thighs. They both looked down at the display of their two jutting cocks, Erwin’s proportionately bigger, heavy and flushed pink, Levi’s darker, with a graceful upward curve.

“There were always jokes… about taking it up the ass, not bending over in the showers,” Levi said, uncertain. “But I don’t think… I’m not sure if I -”

“We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do,” Erwin said. “We can do as much or as little as you want. I’d like it if you would touch me – let me touch you – but if you don-t -”

“Yes.”

Erwin pushed himself up so that he was half sitting, half lying, supported by the pillows against the headboard. “This way, I can still kiss you.”

Levi ran his fingers lightly over Erwin’s erection. Erwin shuddered. “God, yes. Levi –”

Levi leaned forward to kiss Erwin’s mouth, their cocks sliding against each other as he moved. They pressed against each other as they kissed, their breath catching at the excitement of the friction and weight, until it wasn’t enough for either of them. Levi sat back far enough to allow Erwin to wrap his hand firmly around both their cocks, squeezing and rubbing, taking his cues from Levi’s reactions – the way his lips parted and his face flushed, the tension in his body, the gasps and soft moans he struggled to contain as he got closer to the edge of climax, eyes open but unfocussed, lost to the pleasure of Erwin’s touch.

“Levi –”

Levi met Erwin’s intense gaze, a kind of astonished desperation in his expression that sent an answering jolt of lust through Erwin as Levi’s cock went suddenly even more rigid in his grip.

“Levi – I’m –”

“Ah – Erwin!”

Erwin’s back arched off the bed and Levi’s whole body tensed, as they came within moments of each other. Levi rested his forehead against Erwin’s chest, breathing hard. Erwin kissed Levi’s hair, wanting to stroke it, but knowing what Levi would think of that, given the state of his hand. Levi raised his head and kissed Erwin.

“Better do something about –”

“Mm.”

Levi got off the bed and went to the washstand, avoiding the candle on the floor, which flickered erratically as he passed. Erwin followed him, knowing that Levi wouldn’t be comfortable until they were both clean.

 

Back in bed, Levi pulled the blankets over both of them. Erwin leaned over to blow out the candle. Levi settled in close, Erwin’s arm around him.

“Those letters you wrote and never sent,” Erwin said quietly in the darkness. “What was in them?”

“Nothing. Reports of what I was doing – how the shop was going. Every time I started to say something more than that I couldn’t find – Never been good with words. You can read them, if you want. I kept most of them.”

“I’d like that.” There was a long silence before Erwin said, “What you’ve built here – it’s perfect. I’d love… But Mike – He’s still so young…”

“I’ll sell the shop. They still drink tea in Trost don’t they? Or wherever you live now?”

“Still Trost. And, yes, you’d sell a lot of tea there. But I couldn’t ask –”

“I’m coming with you, Erwin.”

“Yes. I don’t think… I don’t think I’d have it in me to go back without you. But don’t sell the shop. We’ll find someone to run it. One day we’ll come back.”

“If you like. But it doesn’t matter.” Levi kissed the nearest part of Erwin, somewhere near his collarbone. “I’m used to leaving things behind. Even people. It was only…”

“What?”

“It’s like you said about your arm. Some things you get used to, and others... I made a life here without you, but I never… You were missing. All the time, you – not being here –”

“We’re idiots, both of us,” Erwin said.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with an idiot, Levi?”

“Huh. I will if you will.”

“Good, then.”

 

A contented silence was eventually broken by the creaking of the bed springs as Erwin shifted to relieve a crick in his back. “Uh. We’ll need to get a bigger bed in Trost.”

“Yeah. Why don’t I sleep on the floor tonight? Sort something out tomorrow. There’s a couch downstairs I could bring up.” Levi moved to get out of bed, but Erwin’s hand grasping his arm stopped him.

“Don’t go.”

“We won’t get any sleep…”

“I don’t mind. Stay, Levi.”

“Tch. You’ll regret it in the morning, old man,” Levi warned, but he settled close against Erwin again without further protest, and it wasn’t very long before he drifted into sleep, oddly lulled by the familiar sound of Erwin’s inevitable snores.


End file.
